There isn't a word for what I'm going to be when I grow up.

I make a lot of plans and to-do lists and whathaveyous. I'm trying to do that now and realizing I don't really want to. I am reconciling, recoiling, remarkable.

We haven't talked about it but I'm pretty sure my mom took some time off to "find herself." When else could she find time to hitch-hike to Alaska? I'm hoping she remembers how good that time was for her and her mental health when I tell her this weekend that I'm dropping out of society as much as possible. I know my parents will always love me but I also want them to be proud of me. I'm sure they'd have a much harder time saying, "Oh, Susan? She's... quit school and is working full-time! Yeah, we're proud of our average girl!" I'm not any less valuable because I don't strive to be rich, famous, or ridiculously well-off, right? I hope not.

So, I have a plan? An idea? A goal? I know what I'm doing right now is not working. I know how to get out of it.

For now, working a lot more to get a place in Gainesville with John. More working and saving to move to Colorado (Colorado! Who would've thunk it?). Working and making connections in the Cannabis Business (Cannabusiness?) until I get restless enough to make new plans. Ultimately, I want to be in Washington, in a house, adopt two kids.

Scary is exciting but nice is different from good.

Maybe your write.

Strung out and stoned with some Stevens and writer's block.

I still shiver like I did when you flashed your wolf-smile at me (an expression I'd never expected on your face which made me both excited and scared). I blush to think of your teeth, now just sitting in your mouth innocently when not too long ago they pressed into my flesh as you rutted against me in the t.v.-blue light of a rented room.

But that no longer happens. It was strange even as it was happening. I don't know what to think now nor do I know what to expect.

So, I sit in a room filling myself with drugs and listening to music which has lost power with time and try to write about how being around you made me feel infinite one moment and like I was wasting time the next. I love you and there is no doubt about that but with the full moon coming I'm trying my damnedest to forget that long enough to swallow another love pill and make more room in my heart. Wish me luck.

Newly Red.

Lost.

We have no great battles.

Nouveau (oh!) Riche!

New favorite thing: laughing whilst orgasming. Lasts longer, feels better, and really happy afterwards.