Tarot in my marrow.

It's been a hot while since I seriously consulted my cards and they know it.

Today I spent some time with them and meditated on questions and shuffled, shuffled, shuffled.

The results are terrifying and exciting and dangerous. Here's what the deck told me:

1. Current state of mind: King of Swords - This king is certainly a ruler. This man is a law-maker, someone with a rational, alert and inventive mind. An advocate of law and order, and modernity to the expense of tradition. He has a tendency to be somewhat overcautious and leaves one project quickly to start on another. A man of independent judgment and an achiever in what he does.

2. Current challenge: 9 of Wands upside down (make your own dick jokes) - Lack or inability to give and take. Projects pursued that are destined to fail because of their impractical nature. Delays and disarray. Card could indicate possible poor or ill health. A secure position that is no longer. Personality flaws.

3. Distant past: The Hermit upside down - Refusal of counsel or assistance. immaturity. Isolation from others. A negative resistance towards help. Groundless suspicions about the motives of others. Imprudent actions or decisions. The continuation of bad habits or unproductive lifestyles. Foolish obstinacy. The reliance on one's own resources that are inadequate.

4. Recent past: The Star upside down - Self doubt. Stubbornness. Unwillingness or inability to adapt to changing circumstances and accept the opportunities it may bring. Lack of trust and self-doubt. Obstacles to happiness. Diminished life. Inability to freely express oneself. Rigidity of mind.

5. Near future: The Wheel of Fortune - Effortless success. Good fortune that is unexpected. Coincidences. Luck. The beginning of a new cycle. Advancement. Positive upheaval. Change. A card of good fortune, the appearance of destiny and Karmic change.

6. Distant future: the Page of Cups - A symbol of Imagination. May indicate a time for quiet reflection. Depending upon surrounding cards: a messenger bringing news of an engagement, marriage or birth. A reflective, poetic, quiet and artistic person, gentle and kind. A person with a wealth of knowledge, giving freely his advice. A person gifted with much foresight.

7. Outside factors: Judgement upside down - Stagnation. Delay in concluding a series of actions. Fear of change and sometimes fear of death. Lack of progress due to lack of important decision making. Loss and separation, not necessarily permanent. Guilt.

8. Internal factors: strength upside down - Power wrongly used. Defeat. Lack of willpower. Feelings of inadequacy. Pessimism. Surrender to unworthy impulses. Tyranny. Concession. Inability to act.

9. Best outcome: THE JOKER - Beginnings, most probably of journeys which may be possibly mental, physical or spiritual. The beginning of a new life-cycle. Energy, force, happiness and optimism. The overturning of the status quo or existing states by unexpected happenings. Innocence, naivety, and spontaneity. Important decisions to be made.

10. Most likely outcome: The World upside down - Frustration. Completion delayed. Sometimes fear of change. Inability to bring something to a satisfactory end. resistance to change. Lack of trust. Despite appearances to the contrary, an indication that events have not yet come to a conclusion but are nearing completion. Hesitation.

And just now I shuffled and split at random to Death and the Moon. Jesus fucking christ. So, yup, that's my life in cards right now.

Moonshadow.

Traveling on lonely highway road with a

fresh pack of smokes

and

a heart full of hopes.

I am novelty and I am young.

Kissin' my girl and stompin' my boots.

Smilin' at nothing in particular.

Flowers in my hair,

music everywhere.

This is my last summer of underage drinking.

Moonshine

Under the viper-black sky I am long, love, longing, lost.

Moon shadows and smoke.

Thinking, breathing, hoping, dreaming.

Patient but needing needlessly.

I am thinking of you.

Swell of blood and warm, wet, salty.

Mmmmm.

Imagine, feel, pressing closer.

Memories expanded and made to make making love.

Buzzed.

Shiver and convulse and still thinking of you.

Nothing Set in Stone

All my worldly possessions are stacked up

and packed up

and utterly inaccessible.

I'm sore and I'm bleeding.

I'm tired of all of the needing.

Will I sleep in a bed tomorrow night?

Where?

With whom?

Where will I be the night after that?

I'm reflective / introspective / and not at all selective.

Animal collective.

Court and spark,

I feel like we've never been in the dark.

Caves and graves and basements.

I do incredibly foolish things under the influence.

Am I trying to prove to myself that I'm fun and out-going?

Or am I trying to prove it to you?

Either way, the next morning I look and feel like an asshole.

How anyone can stand to spend more than 5 minutes at a time with me will always amaze me.

I'm too honest and the only time I said, "no." I didn't mean it.

Or did I?

How will I ever know?

Will I ever get the chance to say, "I was just kidding. Yes. Fuck it. Let's do this."

Or will I move on and find new things to ignore?

New songs which will remind me of how silly I was?

Every year I think, "This is the best year of my life!"

And then I get older and can't believe just how much better it is.

I hope that never ends.

I already accept that this isn't it but...

some small part,

whether it's my brain or my heart,

says I'll fall in love when the leaves change their color and the trees shed their skin.

I'll be happy and learning and wear coats and scarves.

I'll finally be able to drink in bars.

In a house with a fireplace,

my cat,

my photos,

and stuff to put around my neck.

And you'll see.

It won't be like the drunk's wisdom.

I won't be that girl for so many people which leaves them wishing down the line that they

could've

should've

would've

loved me.

I can't possibly be more assertive. It's not my way.

I'm gentle and gullible and a whole gang of other words beginning with g's.

But in the autumn I'll be warm and content.

Settled--

like the dirt in my shoes,

the wine in my glass,

a cowgirl's blues,

alas.

Or at last?

I don't know where I want this to go.

I just know that I don't want it to end.

Peace

I feel calm.

I can feel my blood, my heart.

I can see music floating to my ears and I can see nothing bad happening for a little while.

We can stay here.

We can be still and just be.

There are no worries, no obligation, no pain.

Summer kisses me with sun each day and I play hide and seek with the moon at night.

I can stand on shores and hear the ocean.

I can touch trees and feel their history.

I am young.

I am infinite.

I am fancy-free.

I'm going to live the best life ever and it starts over each second.

I'm glad I never killed myself all of those times I wanted to.

I'm thankful for all of the luck I've found.

I'm excited.

Disregard

I feel.

Not enough. Too much. Boring. Sad. In general: awful.

I want to overcome the need to hurt other people when I've been hurt.

I want someone with whom I can just be honest.

I'm not whole. I have no one to talk to.

I just have power but not in a way which would make me a better person.

I can only bring people to levels lower than my own.

I need to move on and stop this.

From one cycle to the next:

my heart is open and then it breaks and then I become this monster who takes all the love in the room and makes your fiance cheat on you and yes, it takes two to tango but someone has to fucking lead.

I can't keep doing this. I want to be happy.

I'm just so scared.

And what scares me the most is that I just might not be worth it.

Mother

Blood of my blood and flesh of my flesh.

Everything that I am,

everything that I have is from you.

Little woman but so full of love and strength.

Wild one, I wish I could reflect your

brilliance,

&beauty,

&love, love, love.

There could never exist enough time or words to thank you

for your

support,

guidance,

&excitement.

I have to settle for shared laughs, cries, and hugs.

I hope you know that you're the best woman I have ever known.

I love you.

Yeah, stuff, yeah.

Stuff I enjoy: my family, being young, smoking, drugs, acting more fucked up than I am and the reverse, walking places, holding hands, listening to music that reminds me of people, old-timey stuff, telling myself that I'm awesome, meeting people, my friends, being overly friendly, being crazy, girls, boys, grapefruit, having purple hair, bartering, baking, painting, looking at things when I'm intoxicated or not, standing in forests, smellin' flowers, sharing everything, giving blowjobs, journaling, paying attention to the blood flowing to my clit when I get aroused and thinking, "If I were a boy, I would have a boner right now.", getting my period, knowing moon phases, learning useless stuff, free things, buying used everything, feeling the dirt in my garden to see if it needs watering, sand on my feet, feeling words in my mouth, petting cats, being a mystery, laughing in quiet places, telling myself jokes, hugging strangers, hugging loved ones, waving at everything and anything, the faces of cows, standing in rivers, peeing on city property, peeing outside, rubber shoes, being barefoot, dreamin', singing, learning my limits, being in love with the whole goddamned world, making lists, decorating, sending and receiving mail, being in Europe, not having a job, not giving a fuck, crying because everything is so perfect, caramel or blueberry flavored coffee drinks, card games, museums, finding things, how much gay men love me, video games on occasion, hating television but still watching it online, turning my computer off, masturbating, only having liked kissing one person ever, beards, growing up, learning from small children, talking about having children one day, following dreams, concerts, Polaroids, smoking when it's muggy/foggy/cold/hot/raining/inside/outside/alone/with friends/etc, my phone, stealing from The Man, being particular about which laws I break, not always getting what I want and then getting something better, scary stories, acting like an asshole because I don't eat meat, seeing my dad's siblings, champagne, whiskey, wine, airplanes, trains, maps, speaking foreign languages, dancing, googling random things, vandalizing things to make them pretty, having people like me more than I like them, cuddles, rollercoasters, giving my little brother condoms, glowing, the feel of sunburn, sidewalk chalk, beer for breakfast, sunlight, oldies radio stations, weather reports, sleeping, talkative taxi drivers, cheating, tea, being completely lunar, bees, colors, swimming, being stupidly optimistic, telling/hearing stories, travel, creative people, talking to animals, drumming, astrology, tarot, my car, making people happy, not showering/shaving, all forms of precipitation, music, reading, cursin', having the worst taste in movies, wind, knowing, using antiquated language, not cutting my hair, living day to day, being a hippie, touching different textures, chickens and eggs, getting caught acting like a wild thing, biting/not biting my nails, teaching people things, parties, smiling, farmer's markets, no longer having a disease, having been blind, wanting tattoos but not getting them, thinking of my life as a book, my camera(s), thrift stores, finding things on the ground, having my car be clean, lookin' a mess and actin' a fool, my graph, the idea of Atlantis, looking up, not having a religion, wishing on planes, bettering myself, reminding myself that it's just the drugs and letting the trip take over, being open, having black men hit on me, ironing my mom's scrubs, being unrealistic, not knowing what is creepy or not, getting too stoned to move, doing things because they feel good, sticking my arms out of my car, driving with my knee, humming, not remembering anything bad, not worrying about anything, going to the beach, imagining where people are when I'm talking to them on the phone or computer, poetry, MRIs, and being alive. And everything else ever.

Hand Thoughts

All good things are wild and free but I'm tied down to a lack of direction.

My compass is being pulled north but there's magnetism east and west and south.

My regrets -- what regrets?

Wish I could've done, said, had more.

I don't want to keep waking up with a pain in my chest.

I want a new place to call home.

I need to create.

Bubbles

The bubble burst and rained down it's sudsy memories through the late spring air.