Flip-Flop.

The majority of the time I feel better when I'm home. Home in the sense of not school or work -- a friend's bed is as good as mine and a beach works, too. Lately though, when I am at home, I feel the crushing reality of life. When I'm at work or school, it doesn't seem to be happening. I'm just slicing bagels or making creme brulee, not working to pay the bills or studying to graduate.

Last week was one of the hardest weeks of my life and not for any goddamn good reason. My uncle died and I worked nearly 40 hours. I skipped school a lot. Then I took off in the middle of the night to Gainesville. Being back in Gainesville showed me so much:

I still love my life. I still think of Gainesville as home. I have so much love and gratitude for everyone in my life. I am not going to be swallowed by the darkness and heat of Orlando. I also remembered just how goddamn much better weed makes everyfuckingthing. I even discovered a name for my future cannabis bakery: TasteBUDs.

I also realized there are a lot of things I'm not letting go. It might be unhealthy but I'll carry them for a little longer. I realized things I don't want to happen to me. I don't want to be 24 and uncertain about my sexuality. I'm trying to figure that out a lot lately. As far as I can tell, I'm a lesbian in love with a boy who looks, talks, and acts like a girl. But I could be wrong. I've lost my warped desire to sleep with everyone I meet. I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore. I'm looking people in the eyes more. I haven't got it all right yet but I've got it alright.

Tomorrow I'll get the biggest pay check of my life and promptly send it to pay for my bedroom. It would be upsetting except that I'm doing it: I'm an adult. I pay my bills and work and go to school. In one week I'll be twenty-one and I actually feel productive about it.

On the other hand, there is nothing more appealing than my old life of sleeping when I want to, working occasionally, school when it was convenient, party, party, party, and spending too much time just being happy. I miss that girl so much but I'm not sure how to get back to that while still making my life here. Do I have to choose? Be happy or be successful? Do I need to change my idea of success?

Right now I need to sleep and then wake up and go to work and then to school and then I'll be at home again with my thoughts for three days until I can escape to Gainesville again.

Addiction and subtraction.

I was thinking about quitting something and it made me think of it as an addiction which lead to me thinking about all of my other addictions.

But my addictions are not something I feel bad about. I am more excited about them. They exist as excitements. I love them. I may be addicted to love.

An obvious one is smoking. I adore smoking. I'm not trying to recruit more smokers or anything but, for me, smoking is lovely. Even if I smoke too much one night, I'm only thinking about it the next morning -- when I light up another cigarette. I like having something to do at parties or at least an excuse to go outside. I like the people I meet whilst smoking. I like watching smoke come out of my mouth. I like the smell. I like trying different brands and flavors. I like sharing cigarettes. But one day I'll quit. It's not a big deal.

I don't think I'm addicted to sex but I am definitely excited about it. I like, obviously, doing it but I also like everything leading up to and afterwards and how each experience is different. Having dinner or going out and then coming home to have sex is pretty basic but helping a guy carry his drum set up 4 flights of stairs and then having sex is exciting. I like not knowing if someone will cuddle after. I dislike when they don't. I wonder about people snoring or talking in their sleep. I wonder how being next to someone will affect my sleep. I like thinking about what someone would like, what would excite them. I like experimenting with new bodies and seeing what I like best. I hope I am always so open for it.

My love.

My love is ten feet tall.

My love is static electricity.

My love is swimming in circles.

My love is comfortably worn.

My love is dewy and brightly clothed.

My love is dancing.

My love is closer than your skin.

My love is further than the moon.

My love is swayed by the tides.

My love is a familiar melody.

My love is stained with paints.

My love is waiting at a crosswalk.

My love is sitting at the edge of a lake.

My love is hopeful.

My love is a wildflower.

My love is the breakfast of champions.

My love is leaves.

My love is smiling at strangers.

My love is changing colors.

My love is molten.

My love is happy.

My love is free.

My love is open.

My love is here.

Memory

I have a memory of standing in a crowd, pressed up against a metal fence next to a girl who gave me cigarettes and whom I never saw again, chanting, "Hail Satan!" over and over.

I have a memory of sitting on a wooden boardwalk in the forest with a friend, seeing everything for the first time.

I have a memory of sitting in the exit row of a transatlantic flight when I was sick and crying as I looked alternately out my window and at photographs.

I have a memory of sneaking down into the basement of a church-turned-venue and ordering a beer and not getting carded and feeling like the cat who got the cream.

I have a memory of driving on unknown roads in a new state with my mother as the rain came down so hard and thick I couldn't see 5 feet in front of me.

I have a memory of standing in an old kitchen, watching a friend cook dinner for shabbos and feeling so much love for her as she sang to herself.

I have a memory of waking up three different friends just to tell them a boy I liked kissed me.

I have a memory of walking around the streets of Holland with a near-stranger and feeling at home.

I have a memory of listening in the hot, cramped back of an art gallery as Phil Elvrum sang to me everything I have ever felt.

I have a memory of taking a new friend to my roof where we exchanged ideas and wondered wonderful things.

Right now, I have no regrets. Everything happened for the best.