Flip-Flop.

The majority of the time I feel better when I'm home. Home in the sense of not school or work -- a friend's bed is as good as mine and a beach works, too. Lately though, when I am at home, I feel the crushing reality of life. When I'm at work or school, it doesn't seem to be happening. I'm just slicing bagels or making creme brulee, not working to pay the bills or studying to graduate.

Last week was one of the hardest weeks of my life and not for any goddamn good reason. My uncle died and I worked nearly 40 hours. I skipped school a lot. Then I took off in the middle of the night to Gainesville. Being back in Gainesville showed me so much:

I still love my life. I still think of Gainesville as home. I have so much love and gratitude for everyone in my life. I am not going to be swallowed by the darkness and heat of Orlando. I also remembered just how goddamn much better weed makes everyfuckingthing. I even discovered a name for my future cannabis bakery: TasteBUDs.

I also realized there are a lot of things I'm not letting go. It might be unhealthy but I'll carry them for a little longer. I realized things I don't want to happen to me. I don't want to be 24 and uncertain about my sexuality. I'm trying to figure that out a lot lately. As far as I can tell, I'm a lesbian in love with a boy who looks, talks, and acts like a girl. But I could be wrong. I've lost my warped desire to sleep with everyone I meet. I don't even know what I'm looking for anymore. I'm looking people in the eyes more. I haven't got it all right yet but I've got it alright.

Tomorrow I'll get the biggest pay check of my life and promptly send it to pay for my bedroom. It would be upsetting except that I'm doing it: I'm an adult. I pay my bills and work and go to school. In one week I'll be twenty-one and I actually feel productive about it.

On the other hand, there is nothing more appealing than my old life of sleeping when I want to, working occasionally, school when it was convenient, party, party, party, and spending too much time just being happy. I miss that girl so much but I'm not sure how to get back to that while still making my life here. Do I have to choose? Be happy or be successful? Do I need to change my idea of success?

Right now I need to sleep and then wake up and go to work and then to school and then I'll be at home again with my thoughts for three days until I can escape to Gainesville again.